Sexting Guide 101: How to start a sexting conversation
It’s late, you’re lying in bed, and your phone beeps. Looking down, you see its a message from THEM - an electric thrill goes down your spine and every muscle goes on high alert. What did they send?!?
Yes, we know, sexting (when done sensibly) is delicious! It can add fun and spice and discovery to your relationships and/or sex life. In fact,
Almost all of us sext (more than 80% of us actually)
And while there is no one right or wrong way to sext, there are ways to sext your boo better! Plenty of us are unsure about ‘how to sext’ and most of the time we don't really know what we’re doing - it can be daunting to figure out the details: does your partner want to sext? or What’s the perfect ‘sexting line’ to start a dirty chat sesh with? We’ve all been there, and it’s why we’re here to help! We want you to know that you CAN do it and IT can be AMAZING!
So, what should you do? Let’s begin at the beginning -
How do you START sexting? Sexting starts before the sexting starts, it starts by: setting the scene. This means creating a space for shared intimacy that is safe, sexy, and fun. We are going to help you build the environment for the best online sexting chat! Let’s get started!
1- Build a SAFE space
Before sexy and fun, the first step is to create a space that is safe. No matter what your status is with a partner - whether it’s the first or fiftieth time sexting - you want to foster honesty, empathy, and vulnerability. Sexting is about sexual communication - and communication thrives when people feel comfortable and confident sharing themselves.
Check in with your partner - are they into it? Is sexting something that feels good to them?
How do you know if your partner wants to sext? The best strategy is to ASK! (FYI, this is the best advice in basically ALL sexy situations). There are lots of ways to ask if your partner likes and wants to sext. Here are a few examples of ways to ask your partner to sext with you:
“Could I share some sexy thoughts with you?”
“Have you ever sexted before?”
“I love dirty chat, have you tried it?”
Always remember to get (and give) consent before sexting and remember that consent is revokable and can change from conversation to conversation. keep in mind that it should be a fun, positive experience for everyone. Think of it like wine, if it doesn’t taste good, put down that glass! Read more about safe sexting and consent here.
Is this a good time to sext? Are they with their family? or at work?
If your partner is interested in sexting, the next question is: is this a good time to sext? Sometimes people go along with things because they don’t want to make it awkward or to upset the other person. But sexting is truly delicious when you’re BOTH leaning in. So ASK if your partner is feeling sexy today. Are they in the mood to sext? Are they in a private enough space to receive sexy messages? Look for a “hell yes” response. If there’s hesitancy, then maybe it is NOT a good time. This applies to you both -- if you are uncomfortable, say so.
If your partner’s language feels formal or distant, if it is unsure or noncommittal, if they keep returning to more casual and mild subject matters, then now is not the right time. And remember, when something doesn’t feel right now, that doesn’t mean it won’t be right in the future. How can you know when might be a better time? Ask! (We know, it’s always our answer - but that’s because it IS always the best advice).
Should we take this conversation to a more private place?
Once you and your partner are ready, available, and EXCITED to sext, don’t forget to think about the WHERE to sext- what platform is safe for sexting? Sharing sexy content comes with considerations about privacy and security. Whether you’re using a phone or computer or tablet; you’ll want to use a platform that feels fun and intuitive, but is also welcoming and secure. How are the messages and pictures you send kept private? Are notifications easily seen or intercepted? Do you have tools to delete or revoke your messages in the future? Have you discussed with your partner what to do with pics and content after it is sent? Will they delete it? If they keep it, where will they keep it?
We recommend using a digital space designed for intimacy and sexy chat (we think Amorus is the best place to sext- but we’re biased). The Amorus app has sexting tools as well as games that inspire and direct sexy remote fun with your partner (we call them flames🔥) plus any and all content can always be deleted. You are in full control!
2- Build a SEXY space
So both of you are ready, interested, and excited, and you’re on a safe digital platform - now what?? Let’s make it SEXY!
How do you do that? The best way to help someone feel sexy is to tell them they are sexy!
Show that you are excited to be sexting them, and are capable of pushing through the occasional awkwardness.
Compliment them ~ Start Small
Compliments are especially sexy if they’re personal. We all want to feel seen and wanted as individuals. So tell them how they are SPECIFICALLY sexy. Tell them about their jawline or the nape of the neck or freckle or cheeky grin or melodic laugh that gets you every time. Keep it low key - better to start with some PG compliments and build to the sexy stuff than get too graphic at the beginning and make anyone uncomfortable. **Special bonus - if you tell someone what you love about them, chances are they’ll show that off a bunch more in the future :)
The best way to solicit behavior is to demonstrate it yourself. What does that mean? If you want your partner to be more open with you, be open with them.
Be brave and share first!
Be specific- show, rather than just tell. Imagery is your best friend here. For example, instead of saying “My skin is sensitive,” try “Blowing on my ear is such a turn-on. It feels_____.” You are communicating to your partner your favorite areas to engage, giving inspiration to use their own imagination on finding other ways to ignite that feeling for you. **Special bonus - if they know what turns you on, chances are they’ll try it with you in the future :)
Ask leading questions like “Do you like touch on your back?” And if the answer is yes, you can follow up with “What kind of touch? Would you enjoy it if I kissed, massaged, tickled, or scratched you?” Be attentive and refer to things your sexting partner has previously shared. This encourages your partner to share more knowing that you affirm and support their needs.
3- Build a FUN space
Remember to ALWAYS have fun! That is the number-one reason you are here today: you want to sext and explore a fun activity together.
Play around and make it friendly!
Play with the material you have and do what comes natural. Make jokes (memes and emojis are your friend), develop inside jokes and share personal stories. All this will help break the ice.
Part of fun is being friends, so there can also be more than sexy stuff! Have a casual approach and ask questions that aren’t necessarily centered around sex. Whether you use one communication app for everything or have different platforms for general chat and sexy stuff, don’t forget the relaxed, regular conversation. Ask how their day went, what plans they have for the next week, and their interests outside of sex. Knowing your partner better and having multiple points of connection can help everyone be more interested and comfortable talking, which will only help when you are dirty texting.
Relationships take time, and sexting is a part of the process. Take the time to build sexy communication. You don’t have to dive straight out of your comfort zone. You and your partner can take it slow to figure out what makes the other tick.
A couple of general conversation reminders - bringing up many different subjects in one session can be confusing. Try to stick to a theme or scenario, and really give yourself time to explore that, before bringing up something new. If someone brings up that they like to be tied up, you can bring up spanking or blindfolding as an additional activity. But if you’re deep in a fantasy about bondage and then you start talking about exhibitionism, that can complicate and distract from the initial enthusiasm.
Thanks for reading all the way through our sexting 101 article! We hope you’ve gotten some useful tips on how to improve (or begin) your sexting by creating a space for both partners to feel safe, sexy, and fun.
Remember, sexy chat is all communication and intimacy - so increasing empathy and vulnerability makes it better! When everyone feels safe to share their interests and desires, you can have such delicious fun *smiling devil emoji*
We love giving you all sexting help! We want the world to have delicious, empowering, and enriching sexy communication. Everyone deserves the best sexy fun and sexting is part of that! With these tips on setting the scene and our example sexting phrases, you’re ready to start sexting and to engage more intentionally with all the intimate fun that’s out there!